words by Paul Spencer, 2002
traditional Irish tune: “Pat Horgan’s Polka #1”
1. They say that when your childhood ends,
C Am D D7
Then girls and boys can’t just be friends,
For then your basic instinct tends,
Am D7 G
To curse you like a hex.
It’s not the only thing they say,
This forceful but elusive “they”,
I came across a whole array,
G Em Am
Of strange ideas on sex.
2. If you’re undressed or nearly nude,
It means you must be in the mood,
And don’t forget it’s also rude,
To breastfeed in the street.
If you have fun with silly clothes,
You’re kinky as the scale goes,
And dancing, everybody knows,
Is proof that you’re on heat.
3. The only kind of family,
Is parents two and children three,
Sex on Sundays after tea,
All quiet and concealed.
When kids want facts of life from you,
You lecture tham with drawings too,
But no matter what you do,
Don’t tell them how it feels.
4. Don’t stay single it’s not right,
But still look gorgeous day and night,
To make ti seem as though you might,
Be up for it with me.
And never stop the stressing stuff,
Your breasts aren’t right you’re skin’s too rough,
Your penis insn’t long enough,
You smell like stale brie.
5. Girls who sleep around are bad,
But you’re OK if you’re a lad,
And wanking makes your eyesight bad,
But it’s OK to leer.
So marry now and fuck your wife,
And never speak of your sex life,
In case your buddies give you strife…
And then they call us queer!